Every time a health test is given about drugs
and alcohol, at least one student in each class answers this question the
following way: "Define 'D.W.I.'" - "Drinking While Intoxicated."
Children's Science Exam Answers
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,
Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of the children,
Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on
Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a
partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take
to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh
forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert
and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube. The Pyramids are arange of mountains between France and Spain.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds
of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a
female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River
Stynx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in 'The Illiad', by Homer. Homer also wrote the 'Oddity', in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They
killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to
the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because
the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as
the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their
neighbours were doing. When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence. In
midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door
at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female
nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
herself before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah.' Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In
Shakespear's famous play, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself
in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill
the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote
'Donkey Hote'. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote 'Paradise
Lost.' Then his wife died and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed
the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at
Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling
their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved
very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas
came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat
on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life
were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended
her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer
discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the
'Organ of the Species'.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
with-out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the
original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a
Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket
and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
backwards and declared 'a horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in
due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United
States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, 'In onion there is
strength.' Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the
Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and
other innocent victims.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed murderer
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called 'Candy'. Gravity was invented
by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so
was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
Here are a couple from a teacher in Scotland:
I was teaching a Primary 2 class in Dundee, Scotland. The lesson was about
Islam. I asked the class if they could remember the very special place where
Muslims went to pray. One wee boy put up his hand, desperate to tell the class.
His answer: A MOTH!
One pupil when asked if he could remember what was an example of a primitive
lifeform answered, "A primitive lifeform is something that is not very brainy!"
"Hercules a great hero was given eternal life
because his wife did not trust him, but it wasn't as great as it sounds."
A friend sent me these. They've probably been around for a long time, but
they are great.
EDUCATION HUMOR– WORST ANALOGIES USED IN ESSAYS
These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The children heard the grandfather clock ticking. It sounded exactly unlike
the digital clock in their bedroom.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes…
Joey was as hungry as a famished locust that had not eaten in days.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at
7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Mary was as interested in Joey as she was in a two-day old tuna sandwich left
on the kitchen table, hidden by a dishcloth. This perplexed Joey.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this
guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
(things kids have said)
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because
of so much population stomping around up here these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never
been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions
are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as
many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and
that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is
not much else to do.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other
Wind is like the air, only pushier.
The Mangled Bible and Other Holy Foibles
THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO?
If you know the Bible-even a little--you'll find this hilarious!
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about
the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were
written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (Incorrect
spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of
Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still
and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
User-Submitted Education Humor
A third grade ESOL student ran up to me terribly excited and said ''Guess
what? Today we get to digest a frog in science!''
Here is a comment from one of my 10th grade ESL/LEP students: "I am so cold I
have chicken skin!" (confused with "goose bumps"). The following is from a
teacher friend, with no disrespect intended to our Hispanic citizens. Math
teachers of any ethnic persuasion will relate, especially those born before
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I
was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to
her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the
screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters,
but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the
Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2008
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta
de production es.............
or perhaps even ....一记录器出售一卡车的木材为100元....